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Can't sleep

Apr. 8th, 2008

So, I'm up again when I really would rather be sleeping. I had laundry to do, so I took photos of the handprints around the stadium. Rumor has it that Habitat is in it's last week of having it's own side to Yankie Stadium. I've filled two SD cards, and I'm not finished yet. That's probably about 300-400 photos. It would be more, by my camera is set to take the finest image possible. While photographing said handprints, a volunteer started to ask me about what I was doing, if I recognized any of the names. And then I explained to him that I was down here with AmeriCorps, and I explained it to him, and the conversation lead to the unavoidable dreaded question:

<b>What are you doing after your AmeriCorps term?</b>

I honestly don't know. And I'm in such a place in life where I'm totally whatever about it. I'll deal with it when it comes to that point. I told the volunteer that I didn't kow, some people get jobs with the affiliate after they are done, some go home. And I haven't finished school, but the ed award would help a bit with that. I also told him that I don't know what else, because I love photography, but I'm too free with it, I'm too humble about it.
 You want to know what this guy's parting words were?

"I hope you decide on a living."

I really don't think he meant anything by it at all. He was trying to be kind, and maybe meant something like "I hope you find your path." But living? Decide on a living? What's wrong with the way I'm living life now? Sure, I'm down on myself a lot, I think, "WTF, dude. You are 27 and wearing a Cookie Monster T-shirt. Instead of sleeping you went to a zombie movie last night. Instead of being responsible and not spending money, you went out to eat. Again."

 But this whole experience is just what I've needed in my life. Sure, I bitch about work, but that's mostly my frustration with how I'm doing things, and how I'm progressing, or my own fear that I'm doing something wrong. I'm a lot happier than I've been in years. I've made friends with people that I never would have gotten a chance to meet and care about--and they've helped me change for the better too. I'm not as shy as I used to be, I'm slightly more confident, and my photo skills have gotten a bit better.

Erg. It's the tired posting rant again. But why do I have to decide on a "living." I'd rather live, you know? I've never been big on planning. It's not like I ever plan on getting married and have kids. (Not that I'm against either, before anyone says anything like "oh, you say that now, you will' I would like to do both, but I honestly don't feel that's in the cards for me.) So why can't I just drift about life? Why can't I find some way to stay here and volunteer? Seriously non existent readers of this blog, I'm working for a place that builds homes for people who don't have any place to go. I'm working for a place that is trying to rebuild after a major disaster. I'm not just coming down for a week or two, donating some money for the cause, I'm down here struggling to survive (sometimes mentally, emotionally, financially) for a year and then I have to worry about people telling me that I need to have a plan when I'm done doing my term?

I don't know. I seriously shouldn't post when I'm tired.

Diary of the Living.

Um. I just saw Diary of the Dead. I don't know why I agreed to go. It was ok. I've just an overactive imagination, and am now afraid to go to my trailer. Kind of. Not really. I can probably say it wasn't good by zombie enthusiast standards, but it was a kind of interesting look on the role of the media when disaster strikes. When  do you stop filming? When is recording too much, and you need to start defending, living, protecting? And what's the truth anyway? The camera man can film one thing, and by the time we see it, it has been edited and cut for our two minute viewing pleasure.

I guess I can say the same thing about photography and digital media. I love photoshop. It's one of my favorite things to do, to play around with a photo, but I honestly don't try to add or delete whole pieces of the truth...I just maniuplate it a bit. Change the color a bit, enhance it, contrast it up, so it doesn't look dull. But is the truth dull? Am I being a hypocrite, or am I just really tired as I blog? I don't like lying, and if that's what I'm doing when I manipulate a photo--well I'll just have to come to grips with that.

Right. Tired. Unnatural fear of the undead. I should...uh...stop typing and go to bed.

Oh, also, another thought is, do the people behind the camera stay there to remove themselves from the situation? From society? Do I hide behind my camera so I don't have to deal with life and social situations that make me uncomfortable? Is it a crutch or tool?

I want

I want to not be single. Like, really bad. Ergh...I feel sad and angsty and pathetic just thinking about what I would want in a relationship because they are simple simple nerdy things. I can't even type them here.

I would also like to be an action hero. I've lots of pent up aggression, and I just wanna fight people. For fun.

Mar. 28th, 2008

  •  First order of buisness: I need to start eating healthy. I'm gross. I'm getting food stamps soon, and I'll start cooking for myself. Does anyone have good, simple, healthy recipes they would like to share with me?
  • Second order of buisness: I have no clue. I forgot I started this entry.
  • Third: My friend Theresa's coming to visit Sunday! We'll be going to New Orleans Monday and Tuesday.
  • Fourth: Crap, I'm broke.
  • Fifth: Boys Don't Cry, apparently.
  • Sixth: My photo is not going to be in the magazine, I've only gotten six votes yes. And almost 50 people have viewed it.

Do you like my photo? VOTE!

So, I'm kind of obsessed at the moment, and I would like this photo to be published in JPG magazine. Thing is, people have to vote for it, and then it'll get weeded through editors, but I don't have enough votes to even get to that point. And I'm asking people to kindly go and vote for it. I may bake you some cookies. 

Here's the link.


I think I may have problems.

I've uploaded too many photos today to facebook.

I take too many photos in general. It's just too much fun.

Birthday Photos.

  I got some bubbles in my Easter basket. Liz snuck this photo.
I was really tired by the end of the day, and I allowed Dan to take this photo of me. It's a second shot, because he didn't believe me when I said the flash would make it horrible.


watercolourbluethank you so much for the birthday pacakge of awesome. I'm going to start Chuck Dogan is AWOL today, and I started to peek at The Books of Magic last night, but I had to go to sleep. It took all my willpower to put it down!

Beware The Ideas of March

I know I'm a little early with the title, but I've just started reading the Sandman, and I reread the first one last night, and it's been stuck in my head.

I have been posting photos to a blogspot that no one knows about, which is really quite idiotic of me. But I like the simple look of the page.

I also bought a mini tripod recently, and took a bunch of photos last night, and posted them up there. If you go to this page: Modest Girl Photos, you will see some of the ones I took last night, and then played with on Picassa, as well as a bunch from Biloxi. 

Go there! Now!